The shocking news – Patrick is said to be gay
Relieved! Finally I know I fully please God!
Maybe you know me as a person whose commitment to Jesus you really appreciate; as a man who has served with the Word of God throughout the whole world; a man from whom you have received love – a love behind which you sensed the fire of the love of God. And now here is this shocking news… people are saying / writing that Patrick is gay.
For those who don’t know me: I was working as a missionary and Bible teacher for 25 years, travelling all over the world with a burning desire to see the Body of Christ re-established as an organism of saints, who serve one another because of our love and commitment to each other. This was an enormously intensive time; every moment and all my strength was poured into the Lord’s ministry together with my fellow members of the same mission. Our lives were full of experiences of God’s miracles and the manifestation of His closeness; also of experiencing this grace to bring God’s healing and changing presence into the lives of people. I was motivated by seeing the wide horizon of God’s plans which we saw from Scripture, from history and through what was currently going on in the world. This period of my life was filled with a wonderful, sincere quality of fellowship with other believers in the Spirit; none had to hide behind a mask; from this kind of fellowship a profound spiritual strength could grow.
But for me there was a problem: It was not women I found attractive... but men! From my teenage years onwards, something in me was wrong! Was this ‘a chastisement’ according to the teaching of Romans 1? But if so, why would this be? The interpretations I received from others about this chapter didn’t fit: without a doubt I loved Jesus and experienced the manifestation of His presence in and through me. Never, ever have I turned my back on Jesus. But these feelings, this inclination created a fundamental doubt that was hanging over my very being. What made it worse was, that I felt as though this is an integral part of who I was, so much so that I wouldn’t have known how to think of myself without it. I avoided this deeply disturbing self-doubt by running towards God. Through a close relationship to Him, I still felt secure, encouraged and affirmed by His Word. However the underlying sense of being interrogated remained and weighed heavily on me.
I have told my story more in detail at the occasion of an event discussing the subject Homosexuality in a German Baptist church. English subtitles are available
Some mission friends knew about my struggles not to give an inch of room to dwell on such feelings. But a vacuum remained; I knew nothing of having feelings or any longing for a woman. Well, as I understood homosexuality was a sin, I wanted to deal with it in just the same way as other sins: “I consider myself dead to sin!“ (Rom 6,11) Indeed, I had powerfully experienced deliverance from old sins through seeing myself as being buried with Christ and risen with Christ, according to the teaching of Romans 6. But with regard to my homosexual attractions that didn’t work.
I assume that for you it is just as clear as it was for me: Any kind of homosexuality is sin; the acceptance of homosexuality in church and society is a sign of apostasy and openness to demons, possibly of destruction linked to end times, but in any case an abomination before God, as we clearly read – all the way from the story of Sodom and Gomorrah to Romans 1. Possibly you have already had a situation where you met a fellow-believer who had the courage to entrust his fight against his homosexual feelings to you; and you came to the conclusion that the affection or feeling is not sin in itself. But for sure, any expression of such feelings would be!
In this testimony, I want to share my journey with you, a way that finally led me to a completely new depth of self-acceptance and, yes... into the acceptance of my own homosexuality. After so many decades of my life I am now able to experience something that would feel normal, unambiguous and logical for any heterosexual person - to live in love with a partner who is suitable for me. What a wonderful gift of God! Most probably you know about the tremendous significance of having a partner to share your life with. If so, you can imagine, no doubt, what it could mean if, instead of enjoying a God-given loving partnership through the years, you were constantly worn down with the inner feeling: “You are wrong!“
Help - I am Longing For the “Wrong” Partner!
For decades this misery accompanied me…
Some days ago, when I re-read the biblical account of Eve’s creation from the rib of Adam, I realized that God saw what Adam needed! In His incredible knowledge of man and in His love for him He knew that something was “not good” here: “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” (Gen 2,18) And God created a suitable companion for him. What is “suitable”, however, cannot come out of theoretical reflection or an academic and orthodox theological correctness, or even out of a superficial assertion that men and women are meant for each other because they are biologically compatible. Man knows what kind of counterpart he is longing for; his soul is formed for the complementarity of another soul that corresponds to his. His ability to love is directed towards it. And when he comes together with that other soul, then he experiences this strange and wonderful ability of the well-known blind “falling in love” – in order then to be transformed into a mature and deeper love - within a faithful partnership.
To be sure, for most people, their longing for a partner where love can come to fulfillment is with a person of the opposite sex. But this is not true for all of us. This was never my longing. But the object of my longing only existed in terms of a vigorous prohibition. As a result of this I only knew my feelings as the object of my fight against them. A Christian is not gay! This was always clear. For me, there didn’t seem to exist this God who saw me and who said: “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him”.
Somebody might object: “In reality it is by no means a man that is suitable for you! This is a deceit from a soul which is damaged one way or the other; let us find out about your childhood!...” My dear friends, I did this thoroughly and exhaustively. And indeed I could see why I didn’t altogether feel well and at home with my given masculinity. And I did experience a lot of healing (I’ll be happy to speak about this later) which led me to a deeper inner assurance about my maleness. But none of this led me to be attracted to women.